30 November 2008


Will I go? 

Who knows. 

Things are not working out smoothly. I honestly don't have the money. A few months ago before the market dropped, definitely. I had more than enough. I had enough for this to be comfortable. But now, going means draining everything. 

Is it worth it?

I've wanted to go since always it seems. The timing seems perfect with school and friends and boys (since there are none). I want to go so badly. I don't have anything here for me next semester since I've already deferred. I guess I'll just work. 

Where will I live?

I don't have a place in London right now. That is the problem. 

I don't have a place in Provo; its a lesser problem.

I will not go back home. That would be awful. 

I am not getting clear messages about going. It has seemed to work out well. It feels right, but there are all these snags. Time is running out very very quickly for this to work. The courses start in 5 weeks. At least I haven't paid the money yet, or purchased plane flights. 

I feel like this should be right. I haven't been told no. I want Heavenly Father's will to be done. But I also want to go. I'm trying to listen to what is supposed to happen. I'm not getting any messages. At least I feel like I'm trying. I'm trying to not let my own desire get in the way of my listening.

I feel that it's selfish for me to try to make this work right now, when money is tight. It's selfish and childlike to demand this when it will make things very difficult. I should stop being able to get everything that I want when it puts my mom in financial stress. 

I want to go so badly. Why can't someone house me for cheap-as-free? I can pay a little. Why can't someone feel very generous and help me out? I'll watch their kids for free. I'll clean their house. I'll walk their dogs. 

Please someone, help me. It's my dream to go. I would love to do this before I'm trapped in the 4 semester program, and then have to work, and then be married, and then have kids. I want those things so badly, but I want to be able to go to Le Cordon Bleu and study the pastry chef ways before it will just be too difficult.

1 comment:

Polly said...

oh sweet Lana, you remind me of another girl I know! I'm sure everything will work out just the way it should. Good luck with your struggle. I will keep you in my prayers.

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